Love letter to Extremes
Caught (ghost), Tikva Lantigua, silkscreen monotype, 2021.
…at increased risk for digestive issues,
not where you thought this was going?
at increased risk for getting lost in what you’re doing,
and resenting needing to resurface
at increased risk for having to put up with other peoples bullshit,
at increased risk for saying what needs to be said,
at increased risk of not speaking up, out of self-preservation,
A neurological difference,
at increased risk for short circuiting from the things that bother us,
an identity for some
at increased risk of deep joy and years of contentment from the things we love,
a heavy thing for some
a neurotype
at increased risk of being extremely tuned in to the sensory,
at increased risk of being oblivious to the sensory,
at increased risk of forgetting to eat
at increased risk of being misunderstood, of being mislabeled,
of being abused or bullied,
at increased risk of loving you in spite of your faults,
at increased risk of being there when you need us,
at increased risk of disappearing from that social function,
at increased risk of being altogether unexpected,
a set of traits
at increased risk of needing time alone, or even preferring time alone,
a constellation
at increased risk of taking things literally,
at increased risk of needing more time for things,
at increased risk of being lonely,
at increased risk of self harm,
at increased risk for s^!cide,
at increased risk of autoimmune disease,
at increased risk of becoming an expert in something we love,
at increased risk of sucking at things we don’t love,
at increased risk of making what we love into our reason for being
at increased risk of trying to blend in,
at increased risk of being conspicuous,
at increased risk of being extremely tired from being around people,
at increased risk of being bothered by bright light or unexpected sounds,
at increased risk of forgetting to eat,
of not feeling hungry till its too late,
of not feeling full till its too late
at increased risk of being yourself even when others target you for it,
at increased risk of not knowing who you are,
at increased risk of being confused by people,
of increased risk of regularly confusing people,
at increased risk of being disillusioned,
at increased risk of being hopeful,
at increased risk of pretending everything is ok,
at increased risk of calling your bluff,
at increased risk of sharing deeply,
at increased risk of never sharing anything with you,
at increased risk of not acting like you’d expect,
at increased risk of surrounding ourselves with people like us,
at increased risk of going into extreme amounts of detail,
at increased risk of hardly saying anything at all,
at increased risk of saying “what?” A lot,
and at increased risk of seeking the familiar,
and, definitely, of repetition.
And if you haven’t picked up on it yet,
at increased risk of being a whole human,
and not a standard issue “Autistic”.
Here and above is a non-exhaustive list, for poetic purposes, that draws on a year’s worth of learning, unlearning, and thinking about what it means to discover I’m autistic as a grown human. Well it’s complicated, loaded, confusing, and a total relief. Plus, more common than you’d think.
Some might say:
A neurological difference, a neurotype, an identity for some, a disability to some, a set of traits, a buffet of extremes, a constellation, an emphasis on the here and now, an escape into an inner world, a particular intensity, a whole host of particular intensities, a rootedness in the body, a discomfort in the body, is something much more common than you think, a structural brain wiring difference which develops from birth onward, something which runs in families, is sometimes accompanied by other conditions that may be disabling by themselves, at increased risk for digestive issues, at increased risk for getting lost in what you’re doing…
And when you're also ADHD, which is extremely common to see together? That's a whole other list, for another day.
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